Friday, February 02, 2007

There. Are. No. Bombs. (explicit)

For those who don't know, the largest city in my home state practically shut itself down while shitting its pants over an attack by two viral marketers with lite brite bombs yesterday.

In nine cities across the United States, blinking electronic signs displaying a profane, boxy-looking cartoon character caused barely a stir.

But in Boston, the signs — some with protruding wires — sent a wave of panic across the city on Wednesday, bringing out bomb squads and prompting officials to shut down highways, bridges and part of the Charles River.

Something that may have been amusing in other cities was not funny to authorities here, the city that served as the base for some of the hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks. Officials defended their reaction Thursday even as two men charged in the case, and some residents, mocked the response as overblown.

Young Bostonians familiar with the unconventional marketing tactics used by many companies tended to see the city's reaction as unmitigated hysteria.

Gee you think?

It's a lite bright of a cartoon character flipping the bird.


Here's a couple of heads up:

1. Terrorists are not going to put bombs in a lite brite.

2. The bomb squad said they responded the way they did because the device had wires, a power source and electronic components. Someone remind me to call them the next time I see an unattended laptop at Barnes and Noble while its owner leaves to activate the bomb... or leaves for a minute to get a refill on their mocha latte.

I can never sort those two out.

I threw away an old VCR a few days ago. That is ALSO something with wires, a power source and electronic components. Thankfully none of my neighbors mistook it for a roadside bomb and the city was able to continue without incident.

I have not (yet!) been charged for recklessly leaving it on the side of the road where it could have sparked a panic at any moment.

We now conclude this rant with George Carlin:

Airport security is a stupid idea, it's a waste of money, and it's there for only one reason: to make white people feel safe! That's all it's for. To provide a feeling, an illusion, of safety in order to placate the middle class. Because the authorities know they can't make airplanes safe; too many people have access. You'll notice the drug smugglers don't seem to have a lot of trouble getting their little packages on board, do they?

No! And God bless them too!

And by the way, an airplane flight shouldn't be completely safe. You need A little danger in your life. Take a fucking chance, will ya? What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another 30 years? What, are you gonna read People magazine and eat at Wendy's till the end of time? Take a fucking chance!

Besides, even if they made all the airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would just start bombing other places that are crowded: pron shops, crack houses, titty bars and gangbangs. You know, entertainment venues!

The odds of you being killed by a terrorist are practically ZERO!

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people---Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalist, and just plain guys from Montana---are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

That's the reality. Angry men in combat fatigues talkin' to god on a two-way radio and muttering incoherent slogans about freedom are eventually gonna provide us with a great deal of entertainment.

People need to lighten up. Take a deep breath and tell yourself it's all ok. Or just drink whiskey.

Everytime we panic like this we do the terrorists work for them.

We also prove we've become soft, weak and paranoid.

This concludes my rant.

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